NUTRISYSTEM FAST FIVE

Y'all, I got desperate.  For a while, I was doing really well with the weight loss and I ended up losing about 40 pounds. However, I slacked off and some of the weight came back, so I got desperate enough to go back to my old nemesis: Nutrisystem. I'd tried the monthly program years ago, with very little luck, but I thought "Hey, this is only for 7 days!  I can do this!"

It was awful.

I actually wrote this up for my personal blog, so I'm just going to link those for you here.  Enjoy!

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Epilogue

VARIOUS JAPANESE SNACKS: VIDEO REVIEW

OK, look, y'all.  I know that this particular set of reviews will not be useful to you unless you are thinking about buying some random Japanese snack foods.  In fact, I have no idea if all of them are Japanese or if some of them are from other places, mainly because I couldn't read the writing on the all of packages, just the English labels that said what each item was.  However, on the off chance that you need to know about this stuff, I reviewed it.  I also reviewed it on a video, which is new for me.  Sorry if I'm not the exotic Nordic goddess you'd envisioned in you mind while reading my other reviews, 'cause I know that's what you were doing.  Also, just a warning, the lighting in my kitchen is terrible, so I look a bit like a sea hag.  You've been warned, so don't be scared.

So, here is the story that prompted this particular thing:  Some of my very favorite cousins know that I like to try new, and often unusual, types of pre-packaged food. (FYI, I specify the "pre-packaged" part, because I'm not the kind of person who walks into a restaurant and orders the weirdest thing on the menu and hopes there isn't some form of testicle in it. I refuse to fall victim to some joker chef's shenanigans.)  Anyway, they sent me a care package crammed full of Asian snacks from a place called H Mart, or at least I think that's what it's called.   I loved-loved-loved the gift, and I thought to myself "Hey, since I can't share the snacks with them (which I probably would have done if they'd been here when I opened the box. Well, unless it was something really good and I wanted to hoard it.) I think I'll let them know what I thought about each package by video, so they can see my reaction to each different thing." So, in all honesty, this video was made specifically for the McGee family, but if you close your eyes and pretend, you can be a McGee for a moment and feel I'm talking to you!  I mean, if you want. 

Eh, it seemed like a good idea at the time.  So here is the video.  I know I usually go into a lot more detail with the items I review, but I made the video in July and just realized that it would be fun to post it here, so you'll just have to pause and write down the names of stuff if you want to buy it yourself because I don't have all of the packaging anymore!  Seriously, just pause the video and write the name of the stuff down.  Geez, I can't do everything for you, you know!

SPECIAL EDITION RED BULLS

When I was in college, I pretty much dozed through my art history classes for the entire duration of my college career.  It wasn't because I wasn't interested in the subject, because I was. No really!  I promise!  The problem was that the classes were held on the top floor of the art building in a warm, cozy auditorium where the lights were always turned off so that we could more easily see the slides.  Also, it probably didn't help that the 3D Design classes and Print Shop were on lower floors of the building, and occasionally fumes from the spray tents would find their way to our floor and deplete oxygen levels.  It was torture. Hand to God, the only way I was able to stay awake through any of those classes was by the liberal use of caffeine pills.  Of course, those pills came along with the yuck-stomach and the fact that I never seemed to take them at the right time.

I've often thought that if I had made more use of the energy drinks and shots available to me at the time, it would have made a world of difference in my final grades!  It wasn't that I didn't know about energy drinks, Red Bull was a brand I liked, but at the time, my meager student bank account couldn't deal with buying the sheer amounts I would have needed to get me through these classes. Red Bull is expensive, yo.

I'm no longer a student and now I can buy all the Red Bull I want!  Of course, I don't need it as badly, but sometimes I will occasionally buy a can just to drink and not necessarily because I need the caffeine.  I actually kind of like the taste, even though it is never really going to taste "good."  Being a fan of the product, I was actually excited to see that they were coming out with some new flavor "Editions."  Since I generally like Red Bull, but always kind of hope the flavor could be improved upon, I was glad to try it!  I'm not sure where I first heard about them, but I finally came across the actual product at a gas station not far from my house.  I grabbed the cans and bought them, probably making the man behind the counter wonder why a woman my age needed so much energy.  There are three new flavors, Silver (Lime), Blue (Blueberry) and Red (Cranberry) and I'm gonna taste them all!

SILVER EDITION

The website describes this as "A truly distinctive addition: The Silver Edition of Red Bull offers a refreshing lime taste, while it vitalizes the body and mind like the Red Bull Energy drink."

My first sip certainly is very tart. It had a very sharp taste that reminded me more of lemon or sour orange than lime, but let's be honest here...citrus is citrus, especially when it's not real citrus, right? (OK, now the word 'citrus' has lost all meaning to me. Citrus.)  It wasn't so bad, but it wasn't very good either.  That probably sounds bad, but honestly, it wasn't terrible.  I didn't like the taste as much as I like the original Red Bull, but then again, maybe I was anticipating it tasting like the original.

* A Few Sips Later*

Nope. Nope, not at all fond of it.  I mean, it isn't gross.  I can drink it.  But the weird, fake lime taste kind of builds the longer you're drinking it.  It's sour, but sourness has never really bothered me.  It's also kind of bitter, like a really strong bottle of lemon-lime Gatorade with a touch of lemon Pledge mixed in.  To add insult to injury, this somehow didn't even light up my brain like the original Red Bull does, unless it went by so fast I missed it.  Can that happen?  My final verdict is:  Bleh.  Pass.

BLUE EDITION

The website states that "It completes the Red Bull Editions with its fruity, blueberry taste."  Oops, does this mean I drank them out of order?  Geez.

Anyways, the Blue Edition Red Bull punches you in the face before you can even take a sip.  When you first open the can, the smell of artificial blueberries is immediate and strong.  It's not a bad smell at all, but it really reminds me of some blueberry scratch-n-sniff stickers I had once!  The taste is much more authentically "blueberry-ish" although it still has that sour taste that I have begun to associate with all of the Red Bull flavors I've tried.  It's actually kind of nice!  It tastes a lot like the blueberries that you get in boxes of muffin mix, you know, the kind that come in a flat can with the vicious blue juice that stains everything it touches.

This is the flavor I was most hesitant to try, because A) A blueberry flavored soda?  B) A blueberry flavored energy drink? and C) Actually, I don't have a C, but it's not really a list if there are only two examples.  Shut up.  I actually really like this one.  It does taste like blueberries, and it sort of smells like blueberries, but the sour taste actually takes it kind of down the "blue raspberry" path, but not so much that you couldn't call it blueberry.  I don't think I've ever tried a soda like this, and it's very interesting.  Also, I love the can design.  Blue is my most favorite color, so I might be a bit biased.  Anyway, so far I think this is the first Red Bull I could describe as being tasty!  Awesome!  My final verdicts is: Thumbs up!  Try it!

RED EDITION

The website says that "The Red Edition has the same high quality ingredients as Red Bull Energy drink and has a sweet cranberry taste."  Hmmmm...that sounds like the copywriter might have run out of interesting things to say about these editions.  "Oh, it's made with good ingredients and tastes like cranberries!"  Maybe he had a dentist appointment to get to and had to finish the advertising really quick.  I don't know.

Actually, the copy is kind of apt.  It does taste like cranberries, although with the distinctive sourness that seems to be a major aspect of all of the Red Bull products I've tried.  I generally enjoy cranberry flavored things, and I liked this Edition just fine, but it didn't really blow my skirt over my head or anything.  I actually had to get another one just to be able to remember what the taste was like, so it's kind of unremarkable.  I hate to say that, because I thought it would be the one I liked the best, but it landed squarely in the MEH category of thinks I've tasted.  I'd probably get it again, though, but just to be polite and because I like the can.

WEBSITE- http://energydrink.redbull.com/

SERVING SIZE: One Can
CALORIES: 110  CARBS: 28
TASTE: Very "Three Little Bears"  Too Yuck (Silver), Too Plain( Red), and Juuuuust Right (Blue)!

CHUAO SPICY MAYA CHOCOLATE BAR

I haven't been eating as much chocolate as I'd like.

Well, actually, that's not 100% true, I'm not eating as much INTERESTING chocolate as I'd like.  Shut up, I'm supposed to be eating better.  If I tell people about the chocolate, I'd have to count it as real food!

I recently ordered a sample collection of Chuao chocolates from Birchbox.  Birchbox is basically a very girly, makeup-beauty-lifestyle subscription service where you get a box of 4 or 5 different kinds of samples in the mail every month.  Sometimes you get awesome stuff and sometimes it's kind of meh, but I love it because I've found a lot of different products that I really like without having to buy a full size product.  Also, I love getting mystery boxes in the mail.  I can't help it.

Anyways, sometimes Birchbox sends samples of snacks in the boxes and since I loved the sample of Chuao that they sent me, I ordered the entire box, which is 7 small bars, all of different types AND they're only 50 calories each.  Not bad, really.  I'd had some of the Chuao chocolate before and I knew I liked it, but I wanted a more complete idea of the bars they offered, so this sample box was a great thing.  Each piece is about two inches long, and about 1/3 of an ounce, so it's enough without being too much.

The first one I tried was called Spicy Maya, which is described as "seductive cinnamon, pasilla chili and warming cayenne bedded in dark chocolate."

It. Was. Amazing.  No, not just amazing, it somehow actually tasted sexy.  I know that isn't going to make much sense, but that is the best word I have.  The chocolate was dark and a little bitter with a good melt (not greasy), the cinnamon and chilies added some heat, and every once in a while I'd hit a bit of chili that was a little bigger than the other pieces and it would add a pop of heat.  There was even a slight after burn in my mouth and on my lips that lingered a while after the chocolate was gone.  It was probably sexy in the same way that Spanish Fly is supposed to be sexy, but I'm not going to question it.  The little chocopod (as the small bars are called) was just the perfect size, too.  Any more of it and I think it would have been too much. I'm sure I could just buy a regular size bar and break it into smaller pieces, but let's face it folks, I don't have that much willpower.  

Oh, chocolate, I've been away way too long.  *Swoon*

PS:  Sorry if this review sounds a bit porny.   I have just really, really, really missed good quality chocolate.  You have no idea.

WEBSITE- www.chuaochocolatier.com

SERVING SIZE: One Bar
CALORIES: 50  CARBS: Package Didn't Say
TASTE: NSFW Language, Y'all.

MAMMA CHIA - BLACKBERRY HIBISCUS

As I mentioned in my last post (which was written about a hundred years ago, give or take a few days) I have been trying to lose weight. The weight loss attempt has been one of the major reasons I haven't reviewed anything lately.  I'm not on a carrots and water only diet or anything, but I haven't really eaten much of anything interesting enough to review.  Regular, healthy food is kind of boring, am I right?  The only times I've really gotten to eat anything new and exciting and reviewable, I'm usually hunched over in a corner, growling at anyone who gets too close, and shoving it into my face at a rate that isn't conducive to actually writing about it.

Plus, y'all, I'm not so good at the whole dieting thing.  I get mean when I get hungry, and unless you wanted to read profanity laced rants about vegetables, I didn't think reviewing would be such a good idea.

However, even though I'm still on the elusive trek of weight loss, I just had something that sort of begged to be reviewed.  BEGGED!  It is a strange little beverage that I picked up at my local Fresh Market and it needs to be talked about.

I don't really know what possessed me to buy this.  Just looking at it kind of gives me the heaves, and as I have fairly well established, I have trouble with anything that has a strange texture, and no matter what one might think just by looking at this stuff, it would have a strange texture.  Bet on that.  When I was looking through the beverage cooler for something new and exciting, I came across this bottle and thought:  "Why not?"  At the very least, I figured, I wasn't actually going to drink this stuff.  I'd just leave it in my fridge until it expired and throw it away unopened because that's how I roll.  But no...this time I made myself promise that I wouldn't waste my money.  If I was going to buy it, then I was going to try it. 

I'm not a novice when it comes to actually consuming chia seeds.  I actually bought a 5 pound bag of them a couple of years ago, just out of curiosity, and have steadily eaten them in one thing or another.  I mean, I'm still not done with that 5 pound bag, but the supply has dwindled.  I've added the weird little seeds to just about everything, even sprinkling them on french fries at one point, but the one thing I would not...could not...make myself do is pour them in liquid and drink them.  I just absolutely couldn't do it.  I tried, I really did, but just the idea of the little gelatinous blobules having to slide down my throat just gagged me.  I'd read that whatever indigenous peoples that the chia seed pushers credit with first eating them used to drink them like that, as some kind of lumpy energy tonic, but I couldn't think about it without seriously almost horfing.

So why did I buy an already mixed bottle of chia seed slime juice?  Well, because it was pretty, OK?  It was pretty!  I liked the color, I liked the shape of the bottle, and the little floaty seeds looked like pearls!  I'm not proud of my reasonings, but there you go.  Don't you dare judge me.  Of course, I also like blackberry and hibiscus flavored drinks, and I figured that if I DID manage to make myself drink this stuff, I'd at least not be put off by the flavor.  Both of those flavors are fairly strong, so even if the drink was grassy or tasted green...the other flavors might cover that up. I was strangely determined to drink this stuff for some reason.

So anyways, as usual, I left the bottle in the fridge for a long, long time.  I kept looking at it and them pushing past it for something else.  I hadn't quite gotten brave enough to try it.  Had it not been for the sheer laziness born out of recovering from a nasty upper respiratory infection, insomnia, food poisoning and a  bad reaction to some codeine cough medicine, I probably would have passed it up again and just made a smoothie.  However, I was too tired and I didn't want to have to clean up my blender, so I grabbed this drink and a protein bar and prepared to try it.

I figured that the best way to deal with it was to just jump in with both feet and take a huge swig to start things off.  I had the protein bar as kind of a safety net, just in case the texture of the drink was too off putting, so with that open and at the ready, I dove in.

My first thought was "Oh, God...it's lumpy. It's slithery...it's, well, it's not so bad, I guess."  I took a chomp off of my protein bar, glad to have a foil to the the slippery, frog-spawn texture of the drink.  The blackberry and hibiscus flavorings were actually pretty good, and it even sort of gave me a kind of impression of eating ripe blackberries.  You know, with the seeds and all.  However, I couldn't keep up the illusion.  As determined as I was to finish the bottle, I had to keep my mind off of what I was doing.  It was like trying to drink Jell-O that had been firmed and then cut into tiny pieces.  Chewing the seeds only made it worse.  The taste was fine but the texture just got more difficult to deal with the more I drank the stuff.  It seemed like I'd never get done with the bottle.  Maybe it was the hydrated seeds that sort of filled up the empty space, but the amount in the bottle didn't seem to go down.  I tempered each sip with a bite of protein bar, and finally just convinced myself that I needed to pound that stuff, just to make it gone.  So I did.  I think I probably could have finished the whole thing if I hadn't looked into the bottle and saw the seeds oozing along the side of the container, but at least I got most of it down.  Whew.

I have to say, it didn't taste bad at all.  I actually liked the flavor I picked out quite a bit.  I was also really, very full when I was done drinking what I could, although some of that has to be attributed to the meal bar I was chowing on while drinking the Mamma Chia.  I even kind of think the name is clever, if you like ABBA puns of course.  Will I ever drink this beverage again?  I can't say that is going to happen.  Granted, I'm happy for the health benefits of the Omega-3s, fiber and calcium that I sucked down.    If the web site is to be believed:

“In terms of nutritional content, a tablespoon of chia is like a smoothie made from salmon, spinach, and human growth hormone. As tiny as those seeds are, they’re superpacked with Omega-3s, protein, calcium, iron, zinc, fiber and antioxidants."

I would certainly prefer to drink another Mamma Chia rather than the smoothie they describe.  I just don't think I could brave the sliminess of the product again.  Do I recommend it?  Sure, if textures don't bother you and you're looking for a new and healthy drink to give you an extra boost, give it a go.  It tastes good and has a lot of good stuff packed into it.  However, if you're like me and you wouldn't be able to get the image of purple frog eggs out of your mind the entire time you're drinking it, give it a pass.  

WEBSITE- www.mammachia.com

SERVING SIZE: One Bottle
CALORIES: 120  CARBS: 20
TASTE: Quite good, if you can get past the frog-egg texture.

VAPORTRIM - MILK CHOCOLATE & PINA COLADA

You know, I'm not really certain how to classify this product.  I mean, it's not really food.  I suppose you could call it a food replacement, or something like that, but that doesn't really feel right either.

According to the website, Vaportrim is a "revolutionary" weight loss product that allows you to puff away the pounds by inhaling the flavor of your favorite desserts through one of these pretty straw things.  The idea is that your sense of smell and taste are so closely connected, that if you are exposed to the smell of food, your body sends signals to the brain to tell your stomach that it isn't hungry anymore. 

Or something.

I don't know, it's scientific and I don't really understand it, but what I get out of the whole thing is that you are supposed to inhale the contents of the tube and you'll get the taste and aroma of whatever flavor Voportrim tube you have and it's supposed to make you not want to eat sweets.

I came across a mention of this product the other day (don't remember where, exactly) and I decided immediately that I must have it!  I didn't know what it was, I had never heard of it before, but I didn't just want to try it, I needed to try it.  It was a compulsion that makes no sense, but here I am!

OK, that's a lie.  I completely understand why I wanted it.  I'm supposed to be trying to lose weight and honestly, with the exception of hardcore drugs or surgery, I'm willing to try almost anything.  Seriously, one of my biggest weaknesses is sweets.  I love, love, love all kinds of desserts (hence the trying to lose weight thing) and if I could suck on a stick for a few minutes and lose that craving, I was all for trying it. Wow, that sounded pornier than I intended. Sorry.

I ordered the product from the website (this post isn't sponsored, by the way. But hell, if they want to send me a box of these things and let me review each flavor separately, I'd certainly do it.) and got it in an admirably short amount of time.  I suppose I should mention that these things are a bit on the expensive side.  Each tube costs $9.95, which seems like kind of a lot.  I mean, I don't exactly know how the technology works, and who knows, maybe it's expensive technology, but still...it seems like a lot of money for something you can't even chew. Well, I mean, you can chew on it, but that's not how it works. But, I digress.

I ordered two flavors, Milk Chocolate and Pina Colada, because those flavors sounded safe.  By safe I mean that they seemed like something you could genuinely suck through a straw.  I thought it best not to start off with something like a cupcake or pancake flavored one until I got my bearings on how it worked and what they were first. Each straw is about the size and shape of those skinny cigars you can buy at convenience stores.  The ingredients on each box were identical: FCC Grade Vegetable Glycerin, Natural Flavors, Artificial Flavors, and Citric Acid.  I'd find that kind of odd, but they can do some amazing things with flavorings these days, so I wasn't too concerned.  I waited until a time when I was hungry, to make sure if it really worked or not, I uncapped the first one, and took a puff.

MILK CHOCOLATE FLAVOR:  My first impression was that I couldn't taste much of anything. After waiting a moment, I got a faint hint of chocolate, kind of like when you open a box of Ovaltine and some of the powder wafts up and you breathe it in.  It's not a strong taste, but it is noticeable.  The milk chocolate flavor does have a rather artificial tang to it, but it's not off putting or anything.  I suppose if you aren't getting to eat the real stuff, even a hint of the artificial stuff is welcome.

PINA COLADA FLAVOR:  When I opened the box, I could smell the coconut flavoring before I even popped the end off.  It reminded me of one of those scratch and sniff stickers that were popular when I was a kid.  It smelled artificial, but again, not off putting.  The taste was actually pretty good!  It was still kind of faint, but more pronounced than the milk chocolate flavor.  It actually reminded me of eating macaroons instead of drinking a pina colada, but I'm totally ok with that.  The coconut flavor is most pronounced, but there is definitely a sort of acidic taste that follows on the heels of it that hints at pineapple.  It's actually not bad at all, even though the flavor isn't very strong.

For both flavors I did get an odd after-taste that I can't really explain.  It's kind of acrid, but nothing a mint or a sip of water wouldn't take care of.

You want to know the neatest, most awesome thing about the Vaportrim tubes, though?  It's that you inhale the flavors, and you exhale a thick water vapor that floats around your head like cigarette smoke.  As I've mentioned on this site before, I don't smoke, but I still get kind of a little thrill by sitting in my chair and puffing on the tube and blowing the water vapor out.  Even though that part is mentioned on the website, I didn't understand what they meant, so breathing out a cloud of vapor was kind of surprising.  I think the Vaportrim system works kind of like those electronic cigarettes, but instead of nicotine, you're getting flavors.  Anyways, it was cool.  I know I'm a bit old to find that part fun, but I don't care.  Don't judge me.

My final verdict?  I didn't think it would work, but after taking a few puffs off of these I actually didn't feel as hungry as I did before.  Did it wipe out my hunger all together?  No, but I felt as if I were to get something to eat, I could settle for something smaller or less sweet.  Would I buy these again?  I'm not sure.  I think I'd like to try all of the flavors to see how accurate they are, and I like the product and the fact that they honestly seem to curb my hunger, but they cost just a bit too much.  I suppose I might buy one again sometime, but I'd have to wait a while to justify the cost.

Now, here is the clincher...do I recommend them?  Sure!  I mean, it is a bit "faddy" and it might not be for everyone, but I'd totally recommend that you try one.  If you get those little annoying hunger gnaws at odd times, it's a quick way to curb them, even if it doesn't squash them completely.  Every little bit helps, after all.

I do want to make one thing very clear, though. Vaportrim isn't going to suddenly keep you from actually wanting real, wonderful, sweet, solid foods.  There are no drugs or stimulants in this product that will cause you to lose weight without some work on your part. What Vaportrim does is give you an edge on being able to say no to those things by giving you a booster shot of flavors and aromas that might help you understand that your cravings are more emotional than physical.  They are a push in the right direction, not an Amtrak train to skinny town.  Don't expect miracles!

WEBSITE- www.vaportrim.com

SERVING SIZE: About 5 puffs.
CALORIES:0
CARBS: 0
TASTE: Well...it all depends on the tube you order, I suppose!

NAKED COCONUT WATER + PINEAPPLE

I'm going to have to admit one thing before I review this product: I get the heebs when I think about drinking coconut water.  These are a different kind of heebs that I got from thinking about drinking coconut milk, though.

There are certain tests that any food or drink I'm going to consume have to pass before I can like them.  1) Does it feel weird?  I'm really, really, sensitive to food textures.  If it feels weird, I simply can't deal with it.  There isn't any kind of specific "weird" feeling that I mean, but if it feels wrong, I just have to leave it alone. 2) Have I ever had an unpleasant experience with the food?  If so...no dice.  For example, I once had a cheeseburger from Checkers at the same time that I was unknowingly coming down with a violent case of stomach flu.  To this day, even passing a Checkers while driving down the street causes me to become nauseous.  3) Have I heard anything odd about the food product that might turn me off from trying it?  

Well, this particular product falls firmly in camp number 3.

When I think about coconuts, I tend to think about them in the most common terms:  the shredded, sweetened coconut that you bake with, the creamy stuff that they make pina coladas with, coconut milk, the smell of suntan oil, and bras made out of the shells.  You know, all the stereotypical stuff.  

It has only been fairly recently that I've started seeing a lot of coconut water beverages popping up and reading about how good for you they can be.  I have also read that it is full of potassium and other good minerals and such.  However, in the process of reading about how awesome and versatile the stuff can be, I also came across the bit of trivia that causes the problem for me: coconut water can be used as an emergency replacement for blood plasma.

Horf.

I know that it is unfair to judge a thing by one strange detail.  The fact is that many foods and drinks have been used for unusual, and non-comestible, reasons and should logically not turn me completely off of a thing. Heck, I've read somewhere that coke can be used to clean toilets, but that hasn't stopped me from having one on occasion.  However, the idea that coconut water can be used intravenously just squicks me right the hell out.  I don't know why.  Maybe because it makes me think of blood or something, and while I did go through an adolescent Vampire Louis/Lestat infatuation phase, I've never had the desire or curiosity to drink blood for any reason.  I'm hoping that most people haven't, but there is a weird kink out there for everyone, so you never know. 

Anyway, the fact that coconut water can be used as emergency blood plasma and/or IV dehydration fluid makes my throat physically close up. However, in the interest of trying something new, I purchased a container of Naked Coconut Water + Pineapple on a recent trip to Target. To the devil with psychosomatic throat closings! 

I decided to drink this beverage before going to bed.  I was having my usual evening rations of cheddar goldfish crackers and I needed something to wash them down with. I figured that I could get past the thought of blood if I were otherwise distracted by delicious goldfish, so I settled back with my snack and tested it out.

Nope.  NopeNopeNope.  It didn't work.  The taste wasn't bad, per se.  In fact, the taste wasn't much of anything.  It was like a completely neutral liquid with no taste at all except for the barest hint of pineapple in the background.  I didn't detect coconut flavor in the least, and, in fact, it almost tasted faintly salty in a way.  The salt wasn't residual from the crackers, either, because I tasted it before I ate any and still noticed it.  I was expecting sort of a watery version of a pina colada, but that isn't what I got.  It was like liquid nothing with a background scent of pineapple and a bit of salt.  It didn't taste bad, but then again, it didn't taste like anything at all, really. It wasn't pleasant for me.

To be fair, I know that my main problem with it was the idea of blood plasma.  Every time I took a sip (and I did finish the entire container) all I could think about was IV bags and sick people, which isn't conducive to enjoying any kind of food or drink, right?  Also, my palate may not be sensitive enough to appreciate the obviously nuanced flavor of coconut water.  I'll admit to that.

So, would I recommend it?  Probably not.  If we remove my admittedly unusual mental block dealing with medical fluids, we still get a bland, watery product that didn't distinguish itself in the least.  If you're looking for a natural hydration drink to have after a workout or something, it might be something for you to try, but seriously, if I had the choice, I'd rather grab a Gatorade.  It might not be delicious, but at least it has a flavor.

WEBSITE- www.nakedjuice.com/our-products/water/coconut-pineapple

SERVING SIZE: 11.2 oz
CALORIES:80
CARBS: ?
TASTE: Nothingness...with a hint of salty pineapple.

MARLEY'S MELLOW MOOD: BLACK TEA

I've never smoked pot.

I realize this isn't true confession time or anything, but I feel the need to go ahead and get that out of the way before I tell you about this drink.  I've never smoked weed and I've never really wanted to.  You can blame my rather strict religious upbringing that forbade intoxicants, or you can blame it on the fact that after having friends who had smoked it tell me about it, it just never seemed like anything I'd enjoy.  I think the closest I ever came to even a contact high was to sit next to this dude in one of my art classes who practically carried a cloud of pot smoke around him like Pigpen (the Peanuts character) carried a cloud of filth. 

(Now, please don't misunderstand me, I'm not judging anyone who does it.  I figure that if it's something you like and it doesn't hurt anyone else, and it is legal wherever you are, more power to you.)

I'm saying all of this so that you will know that I'm basically ignorant of marijuana and the culture that surrounds it.  I also don't really know anything about icons associated with it except on the broadest of terms.  I do know that Bob Marley, the musician, is one of those icons and the fact that he was on the label of the bottle of tea I bought at Earth Fare (why does most of my weird stuff come from there?) gave me pause.

Before you ask, no, I didn't think the tea had marijuana in it.  However, knowing that Marley is a marijuana icon and the product was called Mellow Mood, it wasn't a far stretch of imagination to know that there was something in it that I probably wasn't used to. I wondered if drinking this is supposed to have the same kind of effect that smoking marijuana has on some people, and that made me feel a little weird, but I figured that drinking tea wouldn't be the same even if the effects were similar.  Since being sleepy is my natural state these days, I wasn't sure "natural relaxation" in a bottle was something I needed.  Even the cashier who checked me out asked if I'd ever had it before, and told me not to drive after drinking it.

Of course, I dismissed all of the worry by thinking: "Eh, the last relaxation drink didn't do anything.  This probably won't either."  So one night, near bedtime (just in case) I broke out my new bottle of Black Tea and popped the top.

An excerpt from the official website for this drink says:

"Simply put, relaxation beverages are "beverages with benefits" - wellness drinks which deliver specific functional results. We live in a high-stress, amped-up, always-on-the-go society, which is why energy shots have grown into a huge category. We like to think Marley's Mellow Mood as the anti-energy drink. Calm breeds peace, which is something we all can use in these crazy times."

The website also says that the drinks contain herbs like valerian root, lemon balm, passion flower, hops, chamomile, as well as melatonin.  These all sounded impressively natural and safe to me!

The drink tasted very, very good. I remember that at my first sip I was kind of relieved that it didn't taste all herbally, or grassy, or have that weird chlorophyll taste I sometimes notice with bottled teas infused with herbs.  I also remember thinking that I'd totally drink it again, even if I didn't need the added attraction of "relaxation."

Honestly, that's all I remember.  Not long after I was done with the bottle, I fell asleep.  I didn't get pleasantly sleepy and decide to get up and head to bed, either.  I fell asleep sitting where I was.  It didn't happen immediately or anything.  I don't want you to think it promoted a drugged, sudden narcolepsy of any kind, but I remember capping the bottle, putting it on the table next to my chair, and then having to be helped to bed by my husband.

It was bizarre.  I had been watching television and then it was like I'd been anesthetized.  I won't even rule out the fact that my unexpected doze could have been psychosomatic, owing to the fact that I knew it was supposed to relax you, but I don't think that's the case here.

I suspect it was the valerian root that did me in.  I've had a drink with valerian in it before that made me sleepy, but not like this drink did.  I'm very glad the cashier warned me against driving after drinking this, but honestly, even if he hadn't, I probably would have only gotten as far as picking up my keys before falling asleep in the floor!

I honestly wish I could tell you more about the flavor of the drink, other than saying that it was good.  I enjoyed it, and I think that if I'm going to drink anything that makes me sleepy, this is better than a lot of things I could have...but geez.  If you don't like warm milk, grab a bottle of this and sit comfortable, because if you're anything like me, you might just wake up in the same place hours later wondering what happened. If the effects of drinking this stuff is anything like the effects of smoking pot...I say drink this instead.  You will be able to pass any drug test and you won't burn yourself if you fall asleep with it in your hand!

WEBSITE- www.marleysmellowmood.com

SERVING SIZE: 250 ml (sorry, you'll have to translate that yourself)
CALORIES:77
CARBS: 20
TASTE: Good, sleepy...  that's all I got.

So Delicious Coconut Milk: Chocolate Mint

You probably thought I stopped reviewing things, didn't you?

No, I haven't!  On the contrary, I've found so many things to try that I actually got overwhelmed and kind of got vapor locked over what to review next.  That's pretty sad when you think about it.  At any rate, I decided that I'd just stop thinking and start writing, so here I am!

I can feel your excitement from here!  WOOOOOOO!

*Ahem*

So today we are going to talk about something I thought I'd never, ever drink: a dairy-free milk alternative.  It isn't that I'm against milk alternatives or anything.  I know some people can't drink regular milk, and some people won't drink it, but the idea of drinking something milk-like that isn't actually milk kind of gives me the heebies.  It's totally an irrational mental-block, I know, because I've used soy milk, almond milk, and coconut milk as ingredients in recipes before without any problem, but actually drinking the stuff straight...blargh.  I honestly have no idea why the idea of drinking processed vegetable and nut milks bother me, but I'll drink the hell out of something excreted out of cow teats. 

Humans are weird.

Anyway, back to the product!  On a recent trip to Earth Fare, I was walking by the dairy case when the festive, holiday themed, green carton caught my eye!  Normally I see these products and have zero interest in trying them, but this time the word "Chocolate" was involved, and as cliche as it is...I have a weakness.  I've seen chocolate flavored coconut milk before and never bought any, but this had the added attraction of mint, PLUS it had the two words that almost guarantee that I'd buy it, "Limited Edition."  Yes, the masterminds of psychological marketing got to me.  I saw that it was limited edition and my inner voice said that if I didn't try it now, I'd never get the chance, and I'd be lying on my death bed one day wondering what it tasted like.

So I brought it home and put it in the fridge, only to pass up actually drinking any of it for a while.  That happens sometimes with things I've never tasted before.  I really want to try it, but I have to talk myself into it first.  The serving size is 1/2 a cup, and I finally figured that if I couldn't try at least that much, then I was a coward and had no business ever buying products I'd never tasted before.  Coconut milk shouldn't be the cause of such great internal struggles.

It looked like regular chocolate milk, albeit not as thick.  It had an odd smell to it.  It wasn't unpleasant or anything, but it was a mixture of mint and fake chocolate, so it kind of smelled chalky in a way.  Like when you smell chocolate milk powder is the best way to describe it.  It wasn't a rich, deep smell of chocolate, but it was absolutely there.  Mostly the mint was the most prevalent thing. 

The drink itself is actually kind of nice.  It was sweet and cold, and the mint and chocolate mixed well together. Although I thought it would taste like coconut, too, there was only a hint of it right at the beginning.  I wonder how they do that.  You'd think something made from coconut would taste of coconut, but it didn't.  Weirdness.  It wasn't as thick and rich as real chocolate milk, and it was definitely missing something, although I can't really put my finger on what that could be.  Maybe it was a textural thing, or a viscosity thing.  Ready made chocolate milk is usually very thick, so I may have been subconsciously looking for that.  It would actually be really good poured into coffee or frozen and blended into a slushy, though.  I actually enjoyed the drink itself and have had it several times since opening the carton.

If I have any complaints, it would be that it was a bit watery in both taste and body.  It wasn't a terrible thing, but it was noticeable. Also, it would be nice if the chocolate taste was a bit stronger, but mint is such a strong taste anyway, I'm sure it's just overshadowing things.  Show off!  Also...the ingredient list says it contains "monk fruit."  This seems to be yet another kind of non caloric sweetener.  I've never heard of it before and I can't taste it, but if I start chanting and shave my head in a tonsure, I'll let you know.

My conclusion?  I liked it and while I may not buy it again, I'm certainly not as heebed out by the idea of drinking coconut milk as I once was.  I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who can't or won't drink regular milk.  It's a nice treat, but I have to say that I still prefer moo juice to the fake stuff.

WEBSITE- www.sodeliciousdairyfree.com

SERVING SIZE: 1/2 Cup
CALORIES:50
CARBS:  7
TASTE: Nice, a little chalky, maybe a bit watery, but still pretty good.

Chillout - Natural Calming Drink

Since I decided to try the "Pure Energy" natural energy drink, I also decided that I should get its opposite number, Chillout.

Yes, I crave symmetry in my life!  

After tasting the puce weirdness of the energy drink, I have to tell you, I kept this can in the fridge for much longer than I probably would have done otherwise.  Had I loved the other product, I would have probably drunk this one the same day in some kind of natural foods type of addiction process - the energy drink to wake me up, the calming drink to bring me down.  Alas, since I was scared I'd have to deal with more kombucha or puce tasting drinks, I let this one kind of get shoved to the back of the fridge for a while.

However, one night I just decided to buckle down and drink it.  After all, I could just pour it out or throw it away if I didn't like it, right?  There isn't some all observant grandmother who patrols the universe and tuts at you if you throw away perfectly good food and drinks.  Right?  RIGHT?!

At first sip, I kind of flinched, expecting that weird wine-juice-tea flavor of the energy drink, but thankfully, that didn't happen.  It was really very subtle as a matter of fact.  It wasn't bad at all, and if I had to make one negative statement about the taste, it's that I almost couldn't taste anything.  It had a soft, citrusy, slightly herbal flavor that had to build up over a matter of sips before you could really taste it completely.

The can says that it contains Chamomile, Valerian, Lemon Balm, Vitamins and something called "Fruit Up" which is a "natural fruit sweetener, extracted entirely from fruits with no added chemicals or additives."  Fruit Up also seems to have a Glycemic Index of 34, but I don't know what that means and I'm too lazy to research it.  I'm guessing Fruit Up is glucose with a copywritten name.  I dunno.

As for the effects, I wasn't exactly anxious or anything before drinking it, so I didn't notice a calming effect from it.  In fact, I went to bed soon after drinking this and had trouble sleeping.  I can't imagine why, unless it was because it contained Vitamin B6 and B12, which I've always thought were to give you energy and have seen on products helping you to stay awake. Again, I dunno, I'm not a food scientist.  Perhaps you can actually sit down with the B Vitamins and delegate them to different jobs as you see fit.

Anyway, the taste was nice and pleasing, and I didn't fall into a coma of any kind from the calming effect, so I'm going to give this drink a thumbs up.  I do not, however, recommend this as an actual calming potion for anyone.  My experience was that it didn't have any kind of affect on me other than as a beverage, so if you are uptight and anxious, or if the voices in your head are telling you that you need to murder the family next door, let me recommend Lorazepam or Paxil.  Both are available from your friendly neighborhood doctor, or the mental health professional of your choice.

Oh, and in case you're curious...this drink tasted lavender.

WEBSITE- www.ExDrinks.com

SERVING SIZE: 1 Can
CALORIES:80
CARBS:  15g
TASTE: Pleasant, citrusy and herbal.  Also, lavender.

Pure Energy - Natural Energy Drink

You know, sometimes I like an energy drink just for the heck of it.

I mean, sure, I usually drink energy drinks for their intended purposes.  In fact, I probably wouldn't have graduated from college had it not been for the combined efforts of caffeine and sugar, but beyond that, I just LIKE to have them sometimes.

Today, however, was a "need to have one" day.  It's rainy and gloomy outside, which always causes a rather Pavlovian reaction in me (sleeping, not drooling) and I've still got another church service to get through, so I needed some help.  I decided to try the energy drink that has been hanging out in my fridge for a couple of weeks, Pure Energy.  I got this on my last trip to Earth Fare and have been waiting for the right time to try it out.

Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of energy drinks that boast "natural alternative" ingredients.  I mean, it isn't like I want them to contain meth or anything like that, but in my experience, when you find a can of some kind of odd energy drink you've never heard of, especially one that boasts some kind of natural kick starting ingredient, it's just going to taste weird.  Of course, I say that knowing perfectly well that mainstream energy drinks like Red Bull don't exactly taste great, but at least those somehow grow on you.  I've tried several brands of unusual, natural energy drinks and each time they've all had a strange, slightly odd flavor that I couldn't put my finger on. 

 Curious, Captain.

Pure Energy was different from the other natural drinks I've tried.  Well, let me elucidate:  I didn't hate this drink.  It wasn't terrible, it wasn't undrinkable, it was just...odd.  It tasted puce.  I know that won't make sense to many of you, but I taste colors and if puce had a taste, it would be this beverage.

At first sip I was afraid that it contained Stevia, which I think I've made it clear that I hate with the heat of a thousand suns.  There was this strange, almost-but-not-quite yuck taste on my tongue. Upon reading the ingredients, though, I found that there was no stevia in sight.  In fact, it had beet sugar as it's sweetener.  Ok, then...what was the taste?  I took another small sip and realized that the drink tasted almost fermented, as if someone had poured wine into fruit juice mixed with tea or something, but there wasn't any alcohol in the drink either. It was bitter, but not overly so.  So I finally started reading the can, something I probably should have done before drinking any of it.  The "active" ingredients, if you will were ginseng, guarana, caffeine and various vitamins.  Oh, and also kombucha.

DING DING DING!  Kombucha it is!  Blerg.

Yes, I realize that the word kombucha is printed right on the front of the can.  It's also printed in large letters along the side and on the back of the can, but somehow I didn't see that until I started looking at the ingredients. Had I noticed that before buying it, I probably would have passed on this drink because I am NOT a fan of kombucha.  If you aren't familiar with kombucha, it is stuff made from fermented tea.  I'm not going to lie and pretend I know a lot about it, because honestly, I learned what I know about it from Wikipedia and the back of this can.  So, that is where the fermented taste came from.  Mystery solved. 

Anyway, the stuff wasn't great, but I was able to finish it the whole can.  Aside from the puce flavor, it was unremarkable in that it was just kind of bitter and sour at the same time.  As for the effects, yes, I'm much more awake now than I was before I drank it.  In fact, my hands and feet are freezing cold, which is usually how caffeine or any other kind of stimulant affects me.  It also made me have to pee.  That's probably more than you needed to know, but I'm nothing if not thorough in my reviews.

All in all...I'm not going to tell you to avoid this drink, because if you like kombucha, or if you're curious as to what the color puce tastes like, you should try it.  It actually does perk you up quite a bit, and if you are interested in an energy drink that has all natural ingredients, I don't think you'd be too disappointed.  At any rate, Pure Energy was very different and kind of interesting, so it wasn't a complete loss. 

WEBSITE- www.ExDrinks.com

SERVING SIZE: 1 Can
CALORIES: 70
CARBS:  15g
TASTE: Fermented and Puce.  That's all I can say.

Amaranth

I'm not a vegetarian, and I'm miles away from being vegan, but sometimes I find something to try that I'm fairly certain only the rawest of raw food vegans have ever eaten. 

OK, well, maybe I'm generalizing. To be fair, though, I'd never heard of Amaranth before except in some of the raw food, vegan blogs I've come across.  For all I know, everyone has a big container of it next to their Triscuits and I'm the last person on earth to find out about it.   DON'T JUDGE ME!

At any rate, during the afore mentioned trip to Earth Fare, I saw that the bulk containers had just been filled, and I saw the Amaranth and decided to try it!  I was a little scared, because trying stuff from the bulk bins that you've never had before is hit or miss at best.  It's the worst when you get a bag of some unidentifiable grain or beans or whatever and find out you hate it.  Then you have to fight the guilt of throwing away perfectly good food.   I got a very small scoop of the stuff, just in case it was disgusting, and brought it home.

 Raw Amaranth Seeds

Amaranth is tiny.  It's a seed rather than a grain, and if the websites I read about it are correct it's super nutritious, full of protein, and used to be part of an ancient Aztec harvest celebration where there were games, music and human sacrifice!  Who wouldn't love to try a grain that led people to ripping out hearts?!!

I had to look up how to cook with the stuff, because you don't tend to just come across Amaranth as an ingredient in your more mainstream cook books!  You can use it in all kinds of ways.  The most common way I found was making it like some kind of porridge, but I'll be honest, I was too scared to try it that way first.  It looks like cream of wheat or grits, and I just couldn't face the slimy looking texture.  Plus...it takes a long time to cook like that, and I was too hungry to wait!  The most interesting way I found to use it is to pop it like popcorn!

It's the tiniest, cutest popcorn ever!

I never knew anything else popped like popcorn, and this sounded too fun not to try.  Another great thing is that you only need a little bit to make a lot of the popped stuff, so I took about half of what I had and got to popping!

It literally only takes a few seconds to pop this stuff, and you have to have a super hot pan with a cover, preferably a glass cover so you can keep watch.   I learned the thing about the cover the hard way, because the one time I opened the top before the seeds had stopped popping, they went everywhere.  You put a few tablespoons in the pan at a time, and shake the pan while they pop.  It's like the old-school popcorn method, I guess.   You have to be very careful not to burn it.  Once it stops popping, you have to pour it into another container, or the heat from the pot will burn it.  It took less than 5 minutes to pop all of the seeds I'd set aside, and I soon had about 2/3 cup of the popped Amaranth.  

It didn't smell...good.  I mean, it wasn't a bad, gagging smell or anything, but it was a little like burnt grass.  I was afraid I'd actually burnt the seeds, but when I tasted them, I was pleasantly surprised!  It had an awesome texture and tasted really good!  I think my brain wanted it to taste more like actual popcorn than it really did, but it's just different enough to be interesting! 

My first thought was to salt it and eat it like tiny popcorn, but that would have taken me all day.  I found out that you can add nuts and fruit to it and eat it like cereal, which is what I did!  I really liked it, even though it tasted kind of odd.  I don't know if it was actually odd-tasting, or if I just kept on expecting it to taste like actual popcorn.  It was a bit like unsweetened Sugar Smacks, if that makes even a lick of sense, but I added some Splenda (I know, I know) strawberries and almonds, and poured milk over the whole mess.  It was awesome!

I don't know if I'd want to go to the trouble of popping the seeds every morning, but it definitely was a good, and surprisingly filling, breakfast.  The smell is still kind of lingering through the house, which isn't so great, but I'm hoping that will go away before this afternoon.  Eventually, I'll get brave enough to make the porridge, but I can't imagine liking it better that way.  Seriously, you should try this stuff!  An entire ancient civilization of human sacrificing Indians (ahem - indigenous peoples) can't be wrong!  :)

WEBSITE- No specific website, but online recipes abound!

SERVING SIZE: 1/4 dry, uncooked, but it bulks up like crazy no matter what way you cook it.
CALORIES: 186
CARBS: 32
TASTE: Very good!  If popped, it's nutty, popcorny, and like unsweetened Sugar Smacks. The texture is also fun!  Cooked the other way...I'm not sure.  I'm still too scared to try!  :)

VIRGIL'S ZERO REAL COLA

Wow. 

This.  I almost don't know what to say about this.  I'll just work my way around...

I love to try new drinks and sodas, I really do.  I will buy a new kind of soda, or heck, even a slightly altered flavor of soda I'm already familiar with, in a heartbeat.  I've even been known to buy soda simply because the bottle was interesting.  I can't help it.  It's like some kind of sick compulsion. 

Most of the time I'm pleasantly surprised by the types of drinks I come across.  Yes, some of them have been too sweet, some weren't sweet enough, and I've found a few I haven't liked very much, but on the whole, there are very few kinds that I've encountered that I've found completely undrinkable. Even the ones I don't care for, I usually tough out by drinking them with meals or something that takes away from the taste.  What I'm saying, is that I can usually finish off most of whatever it is I've bought.

Until today.  Dear baby Jesus...today.

I picked up a bottle of Virgil's Zero Real Cola while on a trip to Earth Fare.  If you aren't familiar with the store, I'd describe it as a big, organic market for rich hippies. There are all kinds of interesting things to buy and taste there, so I love my infrequent visits because the stock has usually been rotated and I always come away with something new.  The drinks aisle is this wonderland of organic, unusual sodas.  They are generally national brands, but nothing so "pedestrian" as Coke or Dr. Pepper.  One thing I've noticed, is that a lot of these drinks are not sweetened with sugar.  They have different kinds of sugar-alternatives, generally, which is bad for me because I don't like most alternative sweeteners.  Anything artificial, and I'm gagging at the bitterness of it.  Anything natural, but not sugar, has this weird...planty taste to me.  I can't explain it any better than that.  They taste planty.  Now, I know sugar also comes from plants, but it doesn't taste planty, it just tastes sweet.  That's the beauty of sugar, though, I guess.

But I digress. 

I picked up the soda because I've had other kinds of Virgil's soda and liked it just fine.  It isn't one of my go-to brands, but I have enjoyed the stuff that we've bought in the past.  I was excited to see the "Zero" cola, because I enjoy Coke Zero and thought that a artisan soda with no calories would be awesome!  I tend to like artisan cola drinks, because you can usually taste the different kinds of flavorings more clearly than you can with Coke or Pepsi.  Maybe it's just me. 

Well, I decided to try this soda while I was eating my dinner, thinking that even if it wasn't the best thing, I could still drink it without a problem.  Unfortunately, I had overestimated my ability to soldier through untried sodas.

My first (and honestly, my only) sip of Virgil's Zero Real Cola began with the surprised thought of "Oooh! Cinnamon! I like cinnamon!" and ended with "Holy God, what evil beast expelled this bile from its most foul orifice?!"  I couldn't drink anymore of it.  I simply couldn't.  It was disgusting.  It was bitter and it coated my mouth and throat with it's taste.  I wish I could be more specific than that, but I couldn't drink anymore.  I ran to the kitchen and immediately poured it down the sink.  You may not think it's fair to review a soda that I barely tasted, but I am only being honest here.  I have never, ever tasted anything like that before, and if God loves me, I will never have to taste anything like that again. 

Honestly, I think it was the stevia leaf extract that was the cause of my problems.  I checked all of the other ingredients, and they are all familiar to me.  Stevia I've only had a few times, and each time I've been less than impressed at whatever it is in.  My apologies to Reeds inc. for my feelings about their product, but damn...  I've had lots of products from that company, and none of the others has sent me running towards the sink in a blind panic.  If I can come across a version of Virgil's Cola without the stevia, I'd love to try it to see if the regular kind is any better, but I don't want to drink this version of it ever, ever again.  Do not want.

WEBSITE- Virgil's
SERVING SIZE: 1 Bottle
CALORIES: 0
CARBS: 0
TASTE: Bad. BADBADBAD!

Bible Bread

Not far from where I live, there is an old health food store called Pearly Gates.  The store itself is old.  Well...not like, it-used-to-be-a-general-store old, but it opened in 1968, and moved to it's current location in 1972, which in my opinion is old!  It is dark and crowded, and sells the most bizarre collection of stuff I've ever seen in one place.  The shop boasts a stock of 750 different spices, herbs and other unusual ingredients that I've never heard of, all in mismatched containers lining one wall.  They sell obscure health foods, wine and beer making ingredients, incense, natural cosmetics and medicines, and strange ointments and teas marked with Chinese and Japanese writings that I don't at all understand.  There is also a small collection of occult items, altar bells, and things that baffle my Southern Baptist mind.  I've often joked that any Hogwart's student could walk in and buy any and all of their potion ingredients there if they wanted to!  I think of it as the local Wiccan Super Store.  I absolutely love the place!  Sometimes, while the husband is visiting the local comic book shop to pick up his latest Green Lanterns, I walk down and peruse it's musty shelves, hoping to find some new and unusual thing to try.  I'm never disappointed!


While looking around the shop last Saturday, I picked up a few things.  Most of it was just bulk grains and tapioca balls, nothing to write home about, but the one new item I'd found to try was something called Bible Bread.

Wait, that doesn't sound grand enough.  You kind of have to imagine a loud, deep, echoing voice from the heavens saying the name: BIBLE BREAD!  Well, at least that's how I imagine the name being said when I look at the box.

Anyway...BIBLE BREAD is not really a bread-bread.  It's actually more of a cracker.  The box describes it as being "Inspired by a 3000 year baking tradition going back to the time of the Exodus, when the Israelites, in their flight from Egypt, prepared unleavened bread to sustain them on their journey to freedom."  Of course, it isn't the original recipe...oh no.  The makers of BIBLE BREAD added "Tasty, natural flavors mentioned in the bible."  Um...yum?  I don't know how I feel about that.  The bible talks about John the Baptist eating locusts, and you don't get much more natural than eating bugs.  Horf!

Luckily, the ingredients listed are completely bug free!  BIBLE BREAD is made of wheat flour, water, rye flour, corn starch, oat fibers, rice, oat, corn, sesame, salt and natural spices. 

The crackers themselves are largish, rectangular, and thin.  They remind me of Wasa bread or matzo or something like that, but much thinner.  They are very dry and brittle.  The box also mentions that BIBLE BREAD is all natural, with no preservatives, no artifical colors, low fat, cholesterol free, sugar free, dairy free and saturated fat free.

Unfortunately, the box doesn't say that they are also taste free, which would have been more useful.  I've literally eaten bits of cardboard that had more flavor than these crackers.  I'd say they are almost bitter in taste, but that would imply that you could actually taste something when you put them in your mouth.  I had to grab a mini Babybel to go along with the ones I had for a snack, just so that I could convince myself that it was actual food I was eating and not a deck of playing cards.  I didn't enjoy them very much, but I have a whole box of them that I'm going to have to figure out how to eat.  Such are the pitfalls of the adventurous food buyer, I suppose!

Actually, these might not be so bad if you used them to eat dips or melted cheese, or something that had a noticeable taste, but in my opinion, you'd be better off with chips or real bread.  The website also says that they have different flavors, so maybe the plain kind just don't pack enough punch.  I'll definitely try and finish the box, just so that they don't go to waste, but I'm not looking forward to it.

I wish I could have liked these, I really do.  I mean, if Moses and his people could live off of stuff like that for 40 years of desert wandering, you'd think they'd be good enough for me as an afternoon snack!


WEBSITE- BIBLE BREAD
SERVING SIZE: 2 crackers
CALORIES PER SERVING: 90
CARBS: 16
FLAVOR: 0

Hi!

I know what you're probably thinking...  Does the Internet really need another blog where some random, faceless person talks about how much they like or dislike something?

Well, no, but I absolutely love reviewing things and thought that it would be fun to have a blog dedicated to things I try and want to talk about.  It's as simple as that.

I'm kind of just flying by the seat of my pants here, so there won't be any specific category of things I plan on talking about.  Hopefully, I'll have the chance to try a lot of different things in the days to come and maybe some of those reviews will be useful to someone out there in the world.

Why should you listen to me?  Am I some kind of expert on product testing?  Well....no.  I'm not really an expert of anything in particular, but I am honest!  I figure if you want to know about something, you might as well find out about it from someone who will tell you the truth about it, right?

Anyway, I just thought this would be fun, so we'll see how it goes!