MAMMA CHIA - BLACKBERRY HIBISCUS

As I mentioned in my last post (which was written about a hundred years ago, give or take a few days) I have been trying to lose weight. The weight loss attempt has been one of the major reasons I haven't reviewed anything lately.  I'm not on a carrots and water only diet or anything, but I haven't really eaten much of anything interesting enough to review.  Regular, healthy food is kind of boring, am I right?  The only times I've really gotten to eat anything new and exciting and reviewable, I'm usually hunched over in a corner, growling at anyone who gets too close, and shoving it into my face at a rate that isn't conducive to actually writing about it.

Plus, y'all, I'm not so good at the whole dieting thing.  I get mean when I get hungry, and unless you wanted to read profanity laced rants about vegetables, I didn't think reviewing would be such a good idea.

However, even though I'm still on the elusive trek of weight loss, I just had something that sort of begged to be reviewed.  BEGGED!  It is a strange little beverage that I picked up at my local Fresh Market and it needs to be talked about.

I don't really know what possessed me to buy this.  Just looking at it kind of gives me the heaves, and as I have fairly well established, I have trouble with anything that has a strange texture, and no matter what one might think just by looking at this stuff, it would have a strange texture.  Bet on that.  When I was looking through the beverage cooler for something new and exciting, I came across this bottle and thought:  "Why not?"  At the very least, I figured, I wasn't actually going to drink this stuff.  I'd just leave it in my fridge until it expired and throw it away unopened because that's how I roll.  But no...this time I made myself promise that I wouldn't waste my money.  If I was going to buy it, then I was going to try it. 

I'm not a novice when it comes to actually consuming chia seeds.  I actually bought a 5 pound bag of them a couple of years ago, just out of curiosity, and have steadily eaten them in one thing or another.  I mean, I'm still not done with that 5 pound bag, but the supply has dwindled.  I've added the weird little seeds to just about everything, even sprinkling them on french fries at one point, but the one thing I would not...could not...make myself do is pour them in liquid and drink them.  I just absolutely couldn't do it.  I tried, I really did, but just the idea of the little gelatinous blobules having to slide down my throat just gagged me.  I'd read that whatever indigenous peoples that the chia seed pushers credit with first eating them used to drink them like that, as some kind of lumpy energy tonic, but I couldn't think about it without seriously almost horfing.

So why did I buy an already mixed bottle of chia seed slime juice?  Well, because it was pretty, OK?  It was pretty!  I liked the color, I liked the shape of the bottle, and the little floaty seeds looked like pearls!  I'm not proud of my reasonings, but there you go.  Don't you dare judge me.  Of course, I also like blackberry and hibiscus flavored drinks, and I figured that if I DID manage to make myself drink this stuff, I'd at least not be put off by the flavor.  Both of those flavors are fairly strong, so even if the drink was grassy or tasted green...the other flavors might cover that up. I was strangely determined to drink this stuff for some reason.

So anyways, as usual, I left the bottle in the fridge for a long, long time.  I kept looking at it and them pushing past it for something else.  I hadn't quite gotten brave enough to try it.  Had it not been for the sheer laziness born out of recovering from a nasty upper respiratory infection, insomnia, food poisoning and a  bad reaction to some codeine cough medicine, I probably would have passed it up again and just made a smoothie.  However, I was too tired and I didn't want to have to clean up my blender, so I grabbed this drink and a protein bar and prepared to try it.

I figured that the best way to deal with it was to just jump in with both feet and take a huge swig to start things off.  I had the protein bar as kind of a safety net, just in case the texture of the drink was too off putting, so with that open and at the ready, I dove in.

My first thought was "Oh, God...it's lumpy. It's slithery...it's, well, it's not so bad, I guess."  I took a chomp off of my protein bar, glad to have a foil to the the slippery, frog-spawn texture of the drink.  The blackberry and hibiscus flavorings were actually pretty good, and it even sort of gave me a kind of impression of eating ripe blackberries.  You know, with the seeds and all.  However, I couldn't keep up the illusion.  As determined as I was to finish the bottle, I had to keep my mind off of what I was doing.  It was like trying to drink Jell-O that had been firmed and then cut into tiny pieces.  Chewing the seeds only made it worse.  The taste was fine but the texture just got more difficult to deal with the more I drank the stuff.  It seemed like I'd never get done with the bottle.  Maybe it was the hydrated seeds that sort of filled up the empty space, but the amount in the bottle didn't seem to go down.  I tempered each sip with a bite of protein bar, and finally just convinced myself that I needed to pound that stuff, just to make it gone.  So I did.  I think I probably could have finished the whole thing if I hadn't looked into the bottle and saw the seeds oozing along the side of the container, but at least I got most of it down.  Whew.

I have to say, it didn't taste bad at all.  I actually liked the flavor I picked out quite a bit.  I was also really, very full when I was done drinking what I could, although some of that has to be attributed to the meal bar I was chowing on while drinking the Mamma Chia.  I even kind of think the name is clever, if you like ABBA puns of course.  Will I ever drink this beverage again?  I can't say that is going to happen.  Granted, I'm happy for the health benefits of the Omega-3s, fiber and calcium that I sucked down.    If the web site is to be believed:

“In terms of nutritional content, a tablespoon of chia is like a smoothie made from salmon, spinach, and human growth hormone. As tiny as those seeds are, they’re superpacked with Omega-3s, protein, calcium, iron, zinc, fiber and antioxidants."

I would certainly prefer to drink another Mamma Chia rather than the smoothie they describe.  I just don't think I could brave the sliminess of the product again.  Do I recommend it?  Sure, if textures don't bother you and you're looking for a new and healthy drink to give you an extra boost, give it a go.  It tastes good and has a lot of good stuff packed into it.  However, if you're like me and you wouldn't be able to get the image of purple frog eggs out of your mind the entire time you're drinking it, give it a pass.  

WEBSITE- www.mammachia.com

SERVING SIZE: One Bottle
CALORIES: 120  CARBS: 20
TASTE: Quite good, if you can get past the frog-egg texture.

VAPORTRIM - MILK CHOCOLATE & PINA COLADA

You know, I'm not really certain how to classify this product.  I mean, it's not really food.  I suppose you could call it a food replacement, or something like that, but that doesn't really feel right either.

According to the website, Vaportrim is a "revolutionary" weight loss product that allows you to puff away the pounds by inhaling the flavor of your favorite desserts through one of these pretty straw things.  The idea is that your sense of smell and taste are so closely connected, that if you are exposed to the smell of food, your body sends signals to the brain to tell your stomach that it isn't hungry anymore. 

Or something.

I don't know, it's scientific and I don't really understand it, but what I get out of the whole thing is that you are supposed to inhale the contents of the tube and you'll get the taste and aroma of whatever flavor Voportrim tube you have and it's supposed to make you not want to eat sweets.

I came across a mention of this product the other day (don't remember where, exactly) and I decided immediately that I must have it!  I didn't know what it was, I had never heard of it before, but I didn't just want to try it, I needed to try it.  It was a compulsion that makes no sense, but here I am!

OK, that's a lie.  I completely understand why I wanted it.  I'm supposed to be trying to lose weight and honestly, with the exception of hardcore drugs or surgery, I'm willing to try almost anything.  Seriously, one of my biggest weaknesses is sweets.  I love, love, love all kinds of desserts (hence the trying to lose weight thing) and if I could suck on a stick for a few minutes and lose that craving, I was all for trying it. Wow, that sounded pornier than I intended. Sorry.

I ordered the product from the website (this post isn't sponsored, by the way. But hell, if they want to send me a box of these things and let me review each flavor separately, I'd certainly do it.) and got it in an admirably short amount of time.  I suppose I should mention that these things are a bit on the expensive side.  Each tube costs $9.95, which seems like kind of a lot.  I mean, I don't exactly know how the technology works, and who knows, maybe it's expensive technology, but still...it seems like a lot of money for something you can't even chew. Well, I mean, you can chew on it, but that's not how it works. But, I digress.

I ordered two flavors, Milk Chocolate and Pina Colada, because those flavors sounded safe.  By safe I mean that they seemed like something you could genuinely suck through a straw.  I thought it best not to start off with something like a cupcake or pancake flavored one until I got my bearings on how it worked and what they were first. Each straw is about the size and shape of those skinny cigars you can buy at convenience stores.  The ingredients on each box were identical: FCC Grade Vegetable Glycerin, Natural Flavors, Artificial Flavors, and Citric Acid.  I'd find that kind of odd, but they can do some amazing things with flavorings these days, so I wasn't too concerned.  I waited until a time when I was hungry, to make sure if it really worked or not, I uncapped the first one, and took a puff.

MILK CHOCOLATE FLAVOR:  My first impression was that I couldn't taste much of anything. After waiting a moment, I got a faint hint of chocolate, kind of like when you open a box of Ovaltine and some of the powder wafts up and you breathe it in.  It's not a strong taste, but it is noticeable.  The milk chocolate flavor does have a rather artificial tang to it, but it's not off putting or anything.  I suppose if you aren't getting to eat the real stuff, even a hint of the artificial stuff is welcome.

PINA COLADA FLAVOR:  When I opened the box, I could smell the coconut flavoring before I even popped the end off.  It reminded me of one of those scratch and sniff stickers that were popular when I was a kid.  It smelled artificial, but again, not off putting.  The taste was actually pretty good!  It was still kind of faint, but more pronounced than the milk chocolate flavor.  It actually reminded me of eating macaroons instead of drinking a pina colada, but I'm totally ok with that.  The coconut flavor is most pronounced, but there is definitely a sort of acidic taste that follows on the heels of it that hints at pineapple.  It's actually not bad at all, even though the flavor isn't very strong.

For both flavors I did get an odd after-taste that I can't really explain.  It's kind of acrid, but nothing a mint or a sip of water wouldn't take care of.

You want to know the neatest, most awesome thing about the Vaportrim tubes, though?  It's that you inhale the flavors, and you exhale a thick water vapor that floats around your head like cigarette smoke.  As I've mentioned on this site before, I don't smoke, but I still get kind of a little thrill by sitting in my chair and puffing on the tube and blowing the water vapor out.  Even though that part is mentioned on the website, I didn't understand what they meant, so breathing out a cloud of vapor was kind of surprising.  I think the Vaportrim system works kind of like those electronic cigarettes, but instead of nicotine, you're getting flavors.  Anyways, it was cool.  I know I'm a bit old to find that part fun, but I don't care.  Don't judge me.

My final verdict?  I didn't think it would work, but after taking a few puffs off of these I actually didn't feel as hungry as I did before.  Did it wipe out my hunger all together?  No, but I felt as if I were to get something to eat, I could settle for something smaller or less sweet.  Would I buy these again?  I'm not sure.  I think I'd like to try all of the flavors to see how accurate they are, and I like the product and the fact that they honestly seem to curb my hunger, but they cost just a bit too much.  I suppose I might buy one again sometime, but I'd have to wait a while to justify the cost.

Now, here is the clincher...do I recommend them?  Sure!  I mean, it is a bit "faddy" and it might not be for everyone, but I'd totally recommend that you try one.  If you get those little annoying hunger gnaws at odd times, it's a quick way to curb them, even if it doesn't squash them completely.  Every little bit helps, after all.

I do want to make one thing very clear, though. Vaportrim isn't going to suddenly keep you from actually wanting real, wonderful, sweet, solid foods.  There are no drugs or stimulants in this product that will cause you to lose weight without some work on your part. What Vaportrim does is give you an edge on being able to say no to those things by giving you a booster shot of flavors and aromas that might help you understand that your cravings are more emotional than physical.  They are a push in the right direction, not an Amtrak train to skinny town.  Don't expect miracles!

WEBSITE- www.vaportrim.com

SERVING SIZE: About 5 puffs.
CALORIES:0
CARBS: 0
TASTE: Well...it all depends on the tube you order, I suppose!