VAPORTRIM - MILK CHOCOLATE & PINA COLADA

You know, I'm not really certain how to classify this product.  I mean, it's not really food.  I suppose you could call it a food replacement, or something like that, but that doesn't really feel right either.

According to the website, Vaportrim is a "revolutionary" weight loss product that allows you to puff away the pounds by inhaling the flavor of your favorite desserts through one of these pretty straw things.  The idea is that your sense of smell and taste are so closely connected, that if you are exposed to the smell of food, your body sends signals to the brain to tell your stomach that it isn't hungry anymore. 

Or something.

I don't know, it's scientific and I don't really understand it, but what I get out of the whole thing is that you are supposed to inhale the contents of the tube and you'll get the taste and aroma of whatever flavor Voportrim tube you have and it's supposed to make you not want to eat sweets.

I came across a mention of this product the other day (don't remember where, exactly) and I decided immediately that I must have it!  I didn't know what it was, I had never heard of it before, but I didn't just want to try it, I needed to try it.  It was a compulsion that makes no sense, but here I am!

OK, that's a lie.  I completely understand why I wanted it.  I'm supposed to be trying to lose weight and honestly, with the exception of hardcore drugs or surgery, I'm willing to try almost anything.  Seriously, one of my biggest weaknesses is sweets.  I love, love, love all kinds of desserts (hence the trying to lose weight thing) and if I could suck on a stick for a few minutes and lose that craving, I was all for trying it. Wow, that sounded pornier than I intended. Sorry.

I ordered the product from the website (this post isn't sponsored, by the way. But hell, if they want to send me a box of these things and let me review each flavor separately, I'd certainly do it.) and got it in an admirably short amount of time.  I suppose I should mention that these things are a bit on the expensive side.  Each tube costs $9.95, which seems like kind of a lot.  I mean, I don't exactly know how the technology works, and who knows, maybe it's expensive technology, but still...it seems like a lot of money for something you can't even chew. Well, I mean, you can chew on it, but that's not how it works. But, I digress.

I ordered two flavors, Milk Chocolate and Pina Colada, because those flavors sounded safe.  By safe I mean that they seemed like something you could genuinely suck through a straw.  I thought it best not to start off with something like a cupcake or pancake flavored one until I got my bearings on how it worked and what they were first. Each straw is about the size and shape of those skinny cigars you can buy at convenience stores.  The ingredients on each box were identical: FCC Grade Vegetable Glycerin, Natural Flavors, Artificial Flavors, and Citric Acid.  I'd find that kind of odd, but they can do some amazing things with flavorings these days, so I wasn't too concerned.  I waited until a time when I was hungry, to make sure if it really worked or not, I uncapped the first one, and took a puff.

MILK CHOCOLATE FLAVOR:  My first impression was that I couldn't taste much of anything. After waiting a moment, I got a faint hint of chocolate, kind of like when you open a box of Ovaltine and some of the powder wafts up and you breathe it in.  It's not a strong taste, but it is noticeable.  The milk chocolate flavor does have a rather artificial tang to it, but it's not off putting or anything.  I suppose if you aren't getting to eat the real stuff, even a hint of the artificial stuff is welcome.

PINA COLADA FLAVOR:  When I opened the box, I could smell the coconut flavoring before I even popped the end off.  It reminded me of one of those scratch and sniff stickers that were popular when I was a kid.  It smelled artificial, but again, not off putting.  The taste was actually pretty good!  It was still kind of faint, but more pronounced than the milk chocolate flavor.  It actually reminded me of eating macaroons instead of drinking a pina colada, but I'm totally ok with that.  The coconut flavor is most pronounced, but there is definitely a sort of acidic taste that follows on the heels of it that hints at pineapple.  It's actually not bad at all, even though the flavor isn't very strong.

For both flavors I did get an odd after-taste that I can't really explain.  It's kind of acrid, but nothing a mint or a sip of water wouldn't take care of.

You want to know the neatest, most awesome thing about the Vaportrim tubes, though?  It's that you inhale the flavors, and you exhale a thick water vapor that floats around your head like cigarette smoke.  As I've mentioned on this site before, I don't smoke, but I still get kind of a little thrill by sitting in my chair and puffing on the tube and blowing the water vapor out.  Even though that part is mentioned on the website, I didn't understand what they meant, so breathing out a cloud of vapor was kind of surprising.  I think the Vaportrim system works kind of like those electronic cigarettes, but instead of nicotine, you're getting flavors.  Anyways, it was cool.  I know I'm a bit old to find that part fun, but I don't care.  Don't judge me.

My final verdict?  I didn't think it would work, but after taking a few puffs off of these I actually didn't feel as hungry as I did before.  Did it wipe out my hunger all together?  No, but I felt as if I were to get something to eat, I could settle for something smaller or less sweet.  Would I buy these again?  I'm not sure.  I think I'd like to try all of the flavors to see how accurate they are, and I like the product and the fact that they honestly seem to curb my hunger, but they cost just a bit too much.  I suppose I might buy one again sometime, but I'd have to wait a while to justify the cost.

Now, here is the clincher...do I recommend them?  Sure!  I mean, it is a bit "faddy" and it might not be for everyone, but I'd totally recommend that you try one.  If you get those little annoying hunger gnaws at odd times, it's a quick way to curb them, even if it doesn't squash them completely.  Every little bit helps, after all.

I do want to make one thing very clear, though. Vaportrim isn't going to suddenly keep you from actually wanting real, wonderful, sweet, solid foods.  There are no drugs or stimulants in this product that will cause you to lose weight without some work on your part. What Vaportrim does is give you an edge on being able to say no to those things by giving you a booster shot of flavors and aromas that might help you understand that your cravings are more emotional than physical.  They are a push in the right direction, not an Amtrak train to skinny town.  Don't expect miracles!

WEBSITE- www.vaportrim.com

SERVING SIZE: About 5 puffs.
CALORIES:0
CARBS: 0
TASTE: Well...it all depends on the tube you order, I suppose!

NAKED COCONUT WATER + PINEAPPLE

I'm going to have to admit one thing before I review this product: I get the heebs when I think about drinking coconut water.  These are a different kind of heebs that I got from thinking about drinking coconut milk, though.

There are certain tests that any food or drink I'm going to consume have to pass before I can like them.  1) Does it feel weird?  I'm really, really, sensitive to food textures.  If it feels weird, I simply can't deal with it.  There isn't any kind of specific "weird" feeling that I mean, but if it feels wrong, I just have to leave it alone. 2) Have I ever had an unpleasant experience with the food?  If so...no dice.  For example, I once had a cheeseburger from Checkers at the same time that I was unknowingly coming down with a violent case of stomach flu.  To this day, even passing a Checkers while driving down the street causes me to become nauseous.  3) Have I heard anything odd about the food product that might turn me off from trying it?  

Well, this particular product falls firmly in camp number 3.

When I think about coconuts, I tend to think about them in the most common terms:  the shredded, sweetened coconut that you bake with, the creamy stuff that they make pina coladas with, coconut milk, the smell of suntan oil, and bras made out of the shells.  You know, all the stereotypical stuff.  

It has only been fairly recently that I've started seeing a lot of coconut water beverages popping up and reading about how good for you they can be.  I have also read that it is full of potassium and other good minerals and such.  However, in the process of reading about how awesome and versatile the stuff can be, I also came across the bit of trivia that causes the problem for me: coconut water can be used as an emergency replacement for blood plasma.

Horf.

I know that it is unfair to judge a thing by one strange detail.  The fact is that many foods and drinks have been used for unusual, and non-comestible, reasons and should logically not turn me completely off of a thing. Heck, I've read somewhere that coke can be used to clean toilets, but that hasn't stopped me from having one on occasion.  However, the idea that coconut water can be used intravenously just squicks me right the hell out.  I don't know why.  Maybe because it makes me think of blood or something, and while I did go through an adolescent Vampire Louis/Lestat infatuation phase, I've never had the desire or curiosity to drink blood for any reason.  I'm hoping that most people haven't, but there is a weird kink out there for everyone, so you never know. 

Anyway, the fact that coconut water can be used as emergency blood plasma and/or IV dehydration fluid makes my throat physically close up. However, in the interest of trying something new, I purchased a container of Naked Coconut Water + Pineapple on a recent trip to Target. To the devil with psychosomatic throat closings! 

I decided to drink this beverage before going to bed.  I was having my usual evening rations of cheddar goldfish crackers and I needed something to wash them down with. I figured that I could get past the thought of blood if I were otherwise distracted by delicious goldfish, so I settled back with my snack and tested it out.

Nope.  NopeNopeNope.  It didn't work.  The taste wasn't bad, per se.  In fact, the taste wasn't much of anything.  It was like a completely neutral liquid with no taste at all except for the barest hint of pineapple in the background.  I didn't detect coconut flavor in the least, and, in fact, it almost tasted faintly salty in a way.  The salt wasn't residual from the crackers, either, because I tasted it before I ate any and still noticed it.  I was expecting sort of a watery version of a pina colada, but that isn't what I got.  It was like liquid nothing with a background scent of pineapple and a bit of salt.  It didn't taste bad, but then again, it didn't taste like anything at all, really. It wasn't pleasant for me.

To be fair, I know that my main problem with it was the idea of blood plasma.  Every time I took a sip (and I did finish the entire container) all I could think about was IV bags and sick people, which isn't conducive to enjoying any kind of food or drink, right?  Also, my palate may not be sensitive enough to appreciate the obviously nuanced flavor of coconut water.  I'll admit to that.

So, would I recommend it?  Probably not.  If we remove my admittedly unusual mental block dealing with medical fluids, we still get a bland, watery product that didn't distinguish itself in the least.  If you're looking for a natural hydration drink to have after a workout or something, it might be something for you to try, but seriously, if I had the choice, I'd rather grab a Gatorade.  It might not be delicious, but at least it has a flavor.

WEBSITE- www.nakedjuice.com/our-products/water/coconut-pineapple

SERVING SIZE: 11.2 oz
CALORIES:80
CARBS: ?
TASTE: Nothingness...with a hint of salty pineapple.